May 7, 2006
The Spoof
Representatives from the countries of Iraq, Afghanistan, and Somalia have finalized an agreement in which they agree to work together to “bring anarchy to America”. These nations, some of the world’s best known government-less or nearly government-less societies, have expressed concern at the existence of democracy in the United States. Representatives from several Somali jilibs contacted Iraqi and Afghani warlords about the matter several weeks ago.
“We were worried about the existence of democracy in the United States,” said one Somali judge, “not only did it represent a clear threat to our security and world peace, it was burdensome and tyrannical toward the American people. For the sake of security, peace, and the freedom of the American people, we decided that we had to liberate America from its tyrannical democratic government”.
Somali concerns have existed since the early 1990’s, when UN forces and American troops attempted to force a government on Somalia. However, current worries were motivated by the American government’s aggressive attempts at nation-building and spreading democracy around the world. “We were concerned that before long, America would turn its democracy-spreading machinery on us” said the same Somali judge. “We decided that America had to be stopped, and its people liberated.
Of further concern to the Somalis was the existence of weapons of mass destruction in the United States. “The Americans have admitted to having massive stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction, and they have proven their willingness to use them in the past,” said one military expert. “Furthermore, they have delivery systems capable of striking nearly every place on Earth. For these reasons and others, the United States are a threat to world security” he continued.
Somalia treasures its clan loyalties and customary law, and is not keen on the idea of a tyrannical democratic government being imposed, by the U.N. or the United States. Seeing the possibility of an American imposition of democracy, many Somali jilibs decided to form a coalition of anarchic countries to neutralize the American threat. Logically, they turned to the most recent victims of American “nation-building” efforts, Afghanistan and Iraq.
Afghanistan, whose government was destroyed in American reprisals for the 9/11 terrorist attacks in New York City, has existed as a society controlled by largely by warlords, with a weak central government in Kabul and an American-led force attempting to establish government supremacy. “It’s crazy,” said one Afghani warlord. “They destroy our government to get at Al-Qaeda, but now they feel some kind of obligation to establish a strong government here! Why? We can manage quite well without one. Heck, if they wanted to create a government, they should have returned the king, Zahir Shah. At least he knew when to leave us alone. But no, monarchy is too good for them; they have to bring some lousy ‘democracy’ over here”.
Iraq is in a similar situation. Since the overthrow of socialist dictator Saddam Hussein, Iraq has existed under an American military administration whose objective is the creation of a stable central government. “They come over here and say they’re going to ‘liberate’ us from Saddam, then they do, and now they’re trying to create a government! Why? I thought we were being liberated, not liberated then enslaved again” said an anonymous Iraqi. “If they wanted us to have a government, they could just find a Hashemite and put him in charge as king, like the Brits did after WWI. Why on Earth do we need a ‘democracy’?”
Concerns over world security initially motivated the coalition of anarchies, but concerns over the fate of the American people have taken over the coalition’s concerns. “We were just worried about our security at first, but now we are more worried about the fate of the American people under an oppressive democratic regime,” said a former advisor of the Afghan king.
The coalition has finally negotiated an agreement to topple the oppressive democratic government in America, but many are unsure of its prospects of success. Few of the original members have actually signed the agreement, and no authorities present in the negotiations have the power to compel their countrymen to submit.
“Well, it does appear that anarchies lack the ability to effectively initiate war against other nations,” admitted the Somali judge, “but that’s just one more reason to topple America’s oppressive, aggressive democracy. Look at the balance sheet- Americans today are regulated in everything from their toilets to their cheeses, they live under massive taxes, their society has become debauched and decadent, and their once-vibrant economy is becoming stagnant and bloated. We in Somalia have effective cooperation, a rapidly-growing economy, real protection of private property, and a society in which custom and tradition still matter. We may not have a government, but we’re doing better than America’s democracy right now”.
It does not appear that any real military action will come of the agreement, since all of the countries involved lack the massive military capabilities required to mount an invasion of the United States
.Source: The Spoof, May 7, 2006
